Life’s Intricacy

Do you ever just stop and wonder if your life is real, if people who claim they love you really do, or do they just say and fill you with sweet words to ease the doubts you have about them. Sometimes I get these types of feelings. I confess that for the past couple of days I haven’t been myself, and I did some reflecting and thinking on how my life has played out now and how I want it to be in a few year’s time.

Life can really be complicated sometimes especially when you enter your teenage years, where you learn how the world works and learn to be a responsible being; “for with great power comes responsibility”.

I agree that being an eldest sibling can be tricky sometimes but it’s also a gift as one learns to be responsible, not just for themselves but for others as well. However, growing up wasn’t that easy as I was always the one that had to do the right things to set an example for my younger siblings. So my responsibility was to make sure to always lead my sisters and brother into the right path.

Although, I feel like I have missed out on so much being “the good guy” all the time. I feel like I missed out on an amazing childhood because I was always so serious.

Another thing is, I’m the type of person who always cares and worries about people and what they are going through that I forget about myself, my needs and my own problems and to tell you the truth it bothers me sometimes.

I always feel obligated to do stuff for people and be there for them but, when it comes to some people they don’t do much at all for me apart from my parents of course whom I’m grateful for every single day of my life. I just hope to find at least someone who does more for me as I do for them apart from Mom and Dad.

I find it challenging when starting new relationships be it friendships, boyfriend – girlfriend relationships and so on. I bet your asking me “Why Claudia?” it’s because I have trust issues!!!!!!! I don’t trust easily but when I do I trust with my whole heart.

Moreover, when it comes to starting relationships with people I cling onto them like a magnet clings to steel, I know it’s a bad habit but I guess I just can’t help it. Which is a good thing at the time I guess until whatever the relationship was breaks. I then tend to get too attached that I don’t want to let go of that someone no matter how toxic they can be.

This is the reason why I don’t really entertain some relationships, because of the fear of what it might do to me if things happen to go sideways. So sometimes I either don’t stay in touch with some people for a while or shut them out completely to protect my peace and theirs as well.

But anyways, what I have grasped is that the older I get the more I realize, understand and learn that it’s not always about me. It’s about how other people can be and are affected by what I do.

Now that I notice this I am able to understand and appreciate that. The younger version of me however didn’t, and for that alone I am proud.😊🤗